I did it.

I quit my job.

I have been talking about doing something other than OR nursing for years and I finally decided there is no perfect time like the present.

In that OR job, every day was a grind. I tried to make the best of it by smiling through the day, cracking jokes with co-workers, and convincing myself that all the bullshit was worth it for my patients. But I am NOT a martyr. The job I had was not challenging in the ways I had hoped. It was an easy job in the sense that I knew what I was doing, but the Feng Shui or the flow of this department was completely off making life more difficult than necessary. Everything about that place was harder than it should be, from finding instruments to transporting my patients to the PACU. I knew it the moment I walked in, but ignored my better judgment. I was just looking for stability since I had just moved into town.

I quit without having another job lined up. My partner was frustrated seeing me come home in such a frazzled and anxious condition night after night. It was starting to take a toll on our relationship. He said, “We’re fine, just do it.” His support provided me the comfort that I could say goodbye to this job and survive.

“Where are you going?” asked my co-workers.

I replied, “Nowhere.”

The response was usually a look of confusion, then understanding. “I don’t blame you,” they said.

I know that most people can’t quit a job without having another one lined up. Honestly, I am lucky to have a partner that supports me, money in the bank, plus skills that could get me a job anywhere. I just have to decide on what I want to do. Start my own business? Maybe. Work for a friend’s PR agency? Maybe. Travel Nursing? Not unless I’m desperate.

Two months have passed since my last day at the hospital. I have been taking time to debrief and heal myself. It sounds easy, but it really isn’t for a person who is so used to moving all day. I literally have to force myself to sit still. I’m getting better at it. Seems comical, doesn’t it? You should try it.

As I work through the years of trauma and tension in my body, I am also doing things that I have put off because of my work-life imbalance. Finally, I’m working on house projects I have put off, creative endeavors I haven’t had time for, and reconnecting with the side of me that has been neglected.

My partner and I also traveled abroad last October for two weeks. We drove from Paris to Lyon to Barcelona to Bordeaux and back to Paris, stopping at small towns along the way. I had never been outside of Paris nor had I been to Spain. I had never driven a car in Europe! What an adventure! It was the perfect way for the two of us to strengthen our bond with each other and connect with the world. Much of it was unplanned, giving me a taste for what’s ahead. I had to become comfortable with being uncomfortable, a skill I much needed to resurrect for my next chapter. We met so many kind and wonderful people! Honestly, the only reason I wanted to come home was because I missed my dog. She would have loved France!

Since my return, I have been determined to get my health and wellness on track. I’m taking baby steps starting with going for daily walks around the neighborhood with my dog, taking her to the beach and parks, reaping the benefits of all the nature here in Wisconsin. I’ve recently returned to my yoga practice. I had no idea how much I missed it until I started back up. The creaks and squeaks coming from my body tells me how much I have neglected her. Recently, I read that we store a lot of trauma in our body. I’m hoping that yoga will help me release what my body has held for years.

Another discovery (or should I say re-discovery) is my love for reading. My theory is that my mind was so overloaded that I could not take in one more bit of information, fact or fiction, especially when it did not pertain directly to being able to do my job. The thing about OR Nursing is that there is no shortage of things you need to, or want to, learn. I was one of the people who loved to learn something new if it meant that it would make me a better nurse, a safer caregiver, and a good mentor. While this is a positive characteristic, it also left me with little energy for anything other than OR nursing. This is my own fault. I know I let that happen. It DOESN’T have to be this way. I just never figured out how to balance my time.

This break, this time I have to myself, I know it is a luxury. Not everyone can afford to do it. I really wish they could because I am finally starting to feel like “me” again. Just typing that statement makes me cry. I am so grateful.

Until next time, Dear Readers… Be well.