debrief

Intentional Exit

/ Marjorie / Leave a comment

I did it.

I quit my job.

I have been talking about doing something other than OR nursing for years and I finally decided there is no perfect time like the present.

In that OR job, every day was a grind. I tried to make the best of it by smiling through the day, cracking jokes with co-workers, and convincing myself that all the bullshit was worth it for my patients. But I am NOT a martyr. The job I had was not challenging in the ways I had hoped. It was an easy job in the sense that I knew what I was doing, but the Feng Shui or the flow of this department was completely off making life more difficult than necessary. Everything about that place was harder than it should be, from finding instruments to transporting my patients to the PACU. I knew it the moment I walked in, but ignored my better judgment. I was just looking for stability since I had just moved into town.

I quit without having another job lined up. My partner was frustrated seeing me come home in such a frazzled and anxious condition night after night. It was starting to take a toll on our relationship. He said, “We’re fine, just do it.” His support provided me the comfort that I could say goodbye to this job and survive.

“Where are you going?” asked my co-workers.

I replied, “Nowhere.”

The response was usually a look of confusion, then understanding. “I don’t blame you,” they said.

I know that most people can’t quit a job without having another one lined up. Honestly, I am lucky to have a partner that supports me, money in the bank, plus skills that could get me a job anywhere. I just have to decide on what I want to do. Start my own business? Maybe. Work for a friend’s PR agency? Maybe. Travel Nursing? Not unless I’m desperate.

Two months have passed since my last day at the hospital. I have been taking time to debrief and heal myself. It sounds easy, but it really isn’t for a person who is so used to moving all day. I literally have to force myself to sit still. I’m getting better at it. Seems comical, doesn’t it? You should try it.

As I work through the years of trauma and tension in my body, I am also doing things that I have put off because of my work-life imbalance. Finally, I’m working on house projects I have put off, creative endeavors I haven’t had time for, and reconnecting with the side of me that has been neglected.

My partner and I also traveled abroad last October for two weeks. We drove from Paris to Lyon to Barcelona to Bordeaux and back to Paris, stopping at small towns along the way. I had never been outside of Paris nor had I been to Spain. I had never driven a car in Europe! What an adventure! It was the perfect way for the two of us to strengthen our bond with each other and connect with the world. Much of it was unplanned, giving me a taste for what’s ahead. I had to become comfortable with being uncomfortable, a skill I much needed to resurrect for my next chapter. We met so many kind and wonderful people! Honestly, the only reason I wanted to come home was because I missed my dog. She would have loved France!

Since my return, I have been determined to get my health and wellness on track. I’m taking baby steps starting with going for daily walks around the neighborhood with my dog, taking her to the beach and parks, reaping the benefits of all the nature here in Wisconsin. I’ve recently returned to my yoga practice. I had no idea how much I missed it until I started back up. The creaks and squeaks coming from my body tells me how much I have neglected her. Recently, I read that we store a lot of trauma in our body. I’m hoping that yoga will help me release what my body has held for years.

Another discovery (or should I say re-discovery) is my love for reading. My theory is that my mind was so overloaded that I could not take in one more bit of information, fact or fiction, especially when it did not pertain directly to being able to do my job. The thing about OR Nursing is that there is no shortage of things you need to, or want to, learn. I was one of the people who loved to learn something new if it meant that it would make me a better nurse, a safer caregiver, and a good mentor. While this is a positive characteristic, it also left me with little energy for anything other than OR nursing. This is my own fault. I know I let that happen. It DOESN’T have to be this way. I just never figured out how to balance my time.

This break, this time I have to myself, I know it is a luxury. Not everyone can afford to do it. I really wish they could because I am finally starting to feel like “me” again. Just typing that statement makes me cry. I am so grateful.

Until next time, Dear Readers… Be well.

Timeout

/ Marjorie / Leave a comment

In surgery we do something known as a “timeout.”  We verify identity of the patient, the procedure that will be performed (and later, has been performed), and all pertinent information. This occurs three times while a patient is under our care in the operating room.  It happens when the patient enters the room (a “sign in”), before incision (“pre-incision”), and at the end of the procedure (“debrief”).  It allows the surgical team to ensure a patient’s safety as well as review any issues that might have been encountered.

At the end of my work day and my work week, I do my own timeout.  It helps me answer these questions:

  • What challenged me today/this week?
  • How did I handle it?
  • What did I learn about myself?
  • What did I learn about others?
  • How can I improve?

Maybe this sounds too touchy feely or too deep, but I honestly love my job.  When I stop taking it seriously, it’s time for me to find something new.  Taking care of my patients is a big deal to me and I just want to be the best that I can be.

Asking myself these questions also allows me to take better care of me.  It prevents the onset of nurse burnout.  One of my fears is that I go back to the person I was in my last job as an assistant nurse manager in surgery at a busy Level I Trauma Center.  The stress from that role made me a different person.  The job wasn’t fun and neither was I.  My family and friends can attest to that!  When a friend bluntly told me that she “will pull [my] hair out if [I took] another management job,” I knew it was bad.  I didn’t realize the extent until I left to go back to being a staff nurse.  What a difference!  I show up, work hard, and then at the end of the day I go home and can leave the work at work.

But anyway…

In my Personal Timeout, items tend to fall in these categories:

  • Moments That Made Me Laugh
  • Times When I Wanted To Quit
  • Reminders of Why I Do This Crazy Job

Today is the end of my work week.  I worked four ten-hour shifts and it’s time to call it DONE.  So here is my Debrief…

Moments That Made Me Laugh

  • My ornery nurse friend who would not take crap from a resident when he tried to do things his way versus the way the attending surgeon usually does it.  Sometimes you have to remind them that they are not the attending!
  • The CRNA who sang along to a Spotify Throwback Thursday playlist and didn’t realize she was doing it until the surgeon mentioned it.  He was entertained and she was embarrassed!
  • A coworker who announced that she is trying to be more positive by forcing an unconvincing smile.  It looked painful…  We told her to “just do you.”  No point in looking constipated!
  • The 80 year-old woman who was trying to get up on the operating room table while waking up from anesthesia.  She told a resident to “shut up” several times as he was trying to calm her down.  Feisty little lady!

Times When I Wanted To Quit

  • The combination of having a new employee to teach, a surgeon who was in a hurry, and an annoying sales rep made my head pound.

Reminder of Why I do This Crazy Job

  • My patients and their families and their appreciation of my care
  • Being able to share knowledge AND learn from my colleagues
  • Working with people who know the meaning of TEAM

 

I really do love being an Operating Room Nurse.  It is hard to think about finding satisfaction in doing something else.  At this point, I am not actively searching for a new position.  Surgical nursing is a very physical job and I know that I need to figure out where I want to be in the future.  Hopefully, I can figure that out before my body starts protesting!