trauma

Intentional Exit

/ Marjorie / Leave a comment

I did it.

I quit my job.

I have been talking about doing something other than OR nursing for years and I finally decided there is no perfect time like the present.

In that OR job, every day was a grind. I tried to make the best of it by smiling through the day, cracking jokes with co-workers, and convincing myself that all the bullshit was worth it for my patients. But I am NOT a martyr. The job I had was not challenging in the ways I had hoped. It was an easy job in the sense that I knew what I was doing, but the Feng Shui or the flow of this department was completely off making life more difficult than necessary. Everything about that place was harder than it should be, from finding instruments to transporting my patients to the PACU. I knew it the moment I walked in, but ignored my better judgment. I was just looking for stability since I had just moved into town.

I quit without having another job lined up. My partner was frustrated seeing me come home in such a frazzled and anxious condition night after night. It was starting to take a toll on our relationship. He said, “We’re fine, just do it.” His support provided me the comfort that I could say goodbye to this job and survive.

“Where are you going?” asked my co-workers.

I replied, “Nowhere.”

The response was usually a look of confusion, then understanding. “I don’t blame you,” they said.

I know that most people can’t quit a job without having another one lined up. Honestly, I am lucky to have a partner that supports me, money in the bank, plus skills that could get me a job anywhere. I just have to decide on what I want to do. Start my own business? Maybe. Work for a friend’s PR agency? Maybe. Travel Nursing? Not unless I’m desperate.

Two months have passed since my last day at the hospital. I have been taking time to debrief and heal myself. It sounds easy, but it really isn’t for a person who is so used to moving all day. I literally have to force myself to sit still. I’m getting better at it. Seems comical, doesn’t it? You should try it.

As I work through the years of trauma and tension in my body, I am also doing things that I have put off because of my work-life imbalance. Finally, I’m working on house projects I have put off, creative endeavors I haven’t had time for, and reconnecting with the side of me that has been neglected.

My partner and I also traveled abroad last October for two weeks. We drove from Paris to Lyon to Barcelona to Bordeaux and back to Paris, stopping at small towns along the way. I had never been outside of Paris nor had I been to Spain. I had never driven a car in Europe! What an adventure! It was the perfect way for the two of us to strengthen our bond with each other and connect with the world. Much of it was unplanned, giving me a taste for what’s ahead. I had to become comfortable with being uncomfortable, a skill I much needed to resurrect for my next chapter. We met so many kind and wonderful people! Honestly, the only reason I wanted to come home was because I missed my dog. She would have loved France!

Since my return, I have been determined to get my health and wellness on track. I’m taking baby steps starting with going for daily walks around the neighborhood with my dog, taking her to the beach and parks, reaping the benefits of all the nature here in Wisconsin. I’ve recently returned to my yoga practice. I had no idea how much I missed it until I started back up. The creaks and squeaks coming from my body tells me how much I have neglected her. Recently, I read that we store a lot of trauma in our body. I’m hoping that yoga will help me release what my body has held for years.

Another discovery (or should I say re-discovery) is my love for reading. My theory is that my mind was so overloaded that I could not take in one more bit of information, fact or fiction, especially when it did not pertain directly to being able to do my job. The thing about OR Nursing is that there is no shortage of things you need to, or want to, learn. I was one of the people who loved to learn something new if it meant that it would make me a better nurse, a safer caregiver, and a good mentor. While this is a positive characteristic, it also left me with little energy for anything other than OR nursing. This is my own fault. I know I let that happen. It DOESN’T have to be this way. I just never figured out how to balance my time.

This break, this time I have to myself, I know it is a luxury. Not everyone can afford to do it. I really wish they could because I am finally starting to feel like “me” again. Just typing that statement makes me cry. I am so grateful.

Until next time, Dear Readers… Be well.

Healing

/ Marjorie / Leave a comment

Since my last post, I have been on a search to find healing in this crazy messed up world. I knew I needed help when I found it difficult to talk about the trauma without my eyes welling up with tears. It was then that I decided to open myself up to different ways to recover from all the terrible things that I see on the job.

I started meditating and practicing yoga. I also started planning more gatherings with family and friends. Improvements in diet and sleep have helped, although this is more challenging to do. If I focus on why I am doing this, it becomes an easier task. Baby steps…

Months later I am not completely “fixed”, but it’s not like I will ever be. Life is messy. I have acknowledged this fact for a long time, but yet it is still a difficult pill to swallow. Our experiences make a lifelong impact. The only thing I can control is how I choose to handle it.

So here I am. Still trying to balance work life and personal life. The messiness continues. At work the traumas keep coming in and so do the really sick people. At home, I am supporting my significant other as he tries to find his way in a new industry at a startup company. In the last week, my dad just had open heart surgery. He is doing great, but it’s a long road to recovery. On top of this, my aunt is in kidney failure and is receiving hospice care. And now, one of my childhood friends is facing the fact that her mom might not survive after a bad fall.

It’s a lot. But I know things could be worse.

I could drown in negative thoughts, but what always brings me back to the surface is gratitude. The first thing that comes to mind is how lucky I am to have so much love in my life. I truly mean this. When shit is hitting the fan, the reinforcements appear – my family and friends! Even though I am so independent, they allow me….no, they remind me….to lean on them. I don’t have to hold back tears, force a cheerful hello, or hide my feelings. How lucky can one person be?

My experiences over the last year have reminded me that healing is an ongoing job. I am reminded by something an old boss said to me when I was feeling overwhelmed:

“How do you eat an elephant?

One bite at a time.”

Bon appétit!!!

I Want To Forget

/ Marjorie / Leave a comment

I am a Trauma Nurse and I think something is wrong with me.

Lately, I wake up in the middle of the night, sometimes to go to the bathroom, but mostly just because I can’t sleep.  Tears flow very easily these days when I hear a touching story on a podcast, witness tender moments on television, or expose myself to the world tragedies broadcast on the evening news.  Eventually, it stops.  Eventually.

I don’t know when I got to be so sensitive.  Or perhaps I have been sensitive this whole time.

Other things in my life seem normal like eating, drinking, and socializing with friends and family.  I find ways to have fun and connect with the people I love.  It makes me feel almost normal.

But then the sadness strikes when I am alone, or even just feeling alone around other people.

Can it be that my return to working in surgical trauma has reminded me of how heartbreaking this world can be?

I have been in operating room nursing for 13 years with over half of those spent at a Level I Trauma Center.  I can’t remember feeling this way.  I can’t remember crying like this.  There is a distinct possibility that I have done what I usually do:  compartmentalize my feelings until I am ready to confront them.

And so here I am.  Dealing with This.  Now.

The emotions emerged after caring for a trauma patient.  He was a gunshot wound victim.  Just a kid barely in his teens.  The entire surgical team worked together to save his life.  We really tried.  We did everything humanly possible that we could do.  Everything.  We tried everything.  He didn’t make it.

His life ended in front of our eyes.

And he was just a kid.

I have been an operating room nurse for 13 years with over half spent in trauma and that was the first time I ever had a patient pass away on my watch.

It was the first time I had to clean the body of my patient, a victim of gun violence, and make him presentable so that his family could view him.  My friend, another trauma nurse, had to show me how to do it.  With tenderness and compassion, the two of us wiped away blood and betadine prep solution from his torso.  She gently cleaned his baby face, covered him in a fresh green gown and blankets, then positioned his hands so he looked like he was sleeping. The learning continued as she walked me through the finer points of hiding the body bag under his body with some bedsheets because how terrible would it be for his family to see that.

How terrible it felt to do all this…

We waited and hoped his family was somewhere in the hospital.  We hoped that they would get to see him before his body was sent to the morgue.

But they weren’t there.

And so, for the first time, I closed the body bag of a teenage boy who died of a gunshot wound.  And, with my friends, helped move him onto the unpadded, cold, steel-framed morgue cart.

This night…  I want to forget.

 

 

On Call

/ Marjorie / Leave a comment

Working at a Level I Trauma Center means that I have to take call.  My colleagues and I sign up for at least one slot per week over a six week period of time right after our new schedule comes out.  Sometimes we pick up our friends’ call slots or take on extra call which is a nice option if you’re trying to pay off student loans, credit card debt, or that new hardwood floor you installed.

One night I was on call from 11:00 PM to 7:00 AM in the morning.  Something told me to go to bed early that night so that I had at least a few hours of sleep after working a 10 hour shift from 7:00 AM – 5:30 PM.  As usual, my gut instinct was right.  It was summer in Big City after all.  My phone rang at 12:09 AM

“We need you to come in.”

I mumbled, “OK be right there.”

In a matter of 30 minutes, I was at the hospital, dressed, and ready to work.  I was part of the team that was “on deck” just hitters are in baseball.  One team already started working on a patient with a gunshot wound to the abdomen, so we were available for the next trauma.  While we waited, my coworkers and I prepared the empty ORs for the next day’s cases.

I guess it had been a busy evening because the overnight staff had not eaten or taken any breaks.  I was asked by the charge nurse to take over for the circulating nurse who was working the case in progress.  When I walked in, she let out a big sigh of relief.

“What’s going on?” I asked.

I recognized an Orthopedic resident with whom I worked with regularly.  Apparently, my friend was taking on the details from the young doctor for what was to be the second procedure performed on this patient.

OR Nurses are crossed trained over several surgical specialties, but we all have one or two which we are the most comfortable and confident.  Part II was not my co-worker’s expertise; it was mine.  Immediately, I started rattling off a list of what we were going to need for repositioning, instrumentation, and supplies.  As I took over care of this patient, my co-worker collected the items I needed and left them outside the door to my room while I worked out a plan for the transition.  The surgeon and the Ortho residents also provided input on other supplies.

One more staff member on call came in — a teammate of mine from Ortho.  Halleluiah! We could not believe our luck!  We had everyone we needed in place.  The transition from one complex surgery to another could not have been smoother.

In retrospect, the success of this surgery depended on three factors:

  1. Expertise – knowledge of the procedure and the items needed for it
  2. Teamwork – sharing the knowledge and then acting as a unit to prepare and execute
  3. Communication – a constant exchange of information that helps the team operate in sync

These three elements are crucial to the success of delivering the best patient care in surgery whether during a regular work day or while on call.  This is not a guarantee that the outcome will be positive; however, ultimately, we can truly say we did everything we could do for our patient.