After my last post, I wasn’t sure what to do with my Blood, Guts, and Coffee blog and Instagram account. I really felt like I was done with nursing, but especially OR nursing. My last year in the OR was not a good experience. I remember loving my job once upon a hospital. I moved to from one city to another which meant starting over in a new hospital and a new OR. Honestly, I hated my fucking job. It’s a strong sentiment, but I can’t deny my feelings. Something didn’t feel right from the beginning. I ignored my intuition. I ignored the bad Feng Shui. I ignored the red flags. I ignored the fact that no matter how hard I worked and how positive I tried to be, the bad juju would not leave. So I had to leave.

Over the span of an 18 year career as a Level I Trauma Operating Room Nurse I went from high energy, thriving under stress (or so I thought) to a broken body and soul. The last job was the Universe screaming at me, “GET OUT NOW!” The signs were all there. It was not just one but many experiences throughout my career that brought me to that point. So many lessons learned… I will write about them at another time (so, yes, I’m keeping the blog & the IG account). But anyway…

I couldn’t deny the fact that, if I continued in OR nursing, it would literally kill me. The joy was gone. I had gained weight. My skin was dull. I looked and felt tired all the time and then, out of nowhere, I had a GOUT attack! Me?!? Fucking dehydration…

What the hell was happening to me???

When that chapter was officially over and I walked out of those hospital doors, I felt immense relief, and of course, a little fear. I had the unwavering support of my partner, but still… So many WHAT IFs floated around in my head. My partner was the voice of reason and of calm.

“Don’t worry,” he said. “We’re fine. Take the time to rest.”

It was difficult to relax and deprogram myself from the ridiculous schedule that nurses are forced to comply. For a long time, I kept waking up at 4:30 AM. For what? I had nowhere I had to be. I didn’t have to drive in traffic, change into scrubs, down a cup of coffee, and wait in line with my co-workers to clock in on time. There was a peaceful silence. No more surgeons yelling at me. I had more time with family and friends – people who really loved me. No more toxic people judging me, talking behind my back, pretending to be my friend. That was gone. I felt so FREE.

Leaving that job was the best gift I could have given myself. I wouldn’t realize it until much later how much I needed the change.

I could finally breathe.

What a difference a few months made! By December, I was ready to start thinking about what was next for me. On my bathroom mirror, with a black dry erase marker, I wrote:

“What do you really want out of your life?”

I stared at that question every time I brushed my teeth. Every time I washed my face, I opened my eyes to those words. They beckoned to me from outside the bathroom door, “Have you decided yet?” Uninspired, I had to go digging for an answer.

I scanned the internet for information. I read books, blog posts, social media posts, listened to podcasts, and watch YouTube videos for inspiration. I put in hours of introspection. I was determined to choose well for myself.

After all that digging, I finally found my answer.

Thanks to my yoga teachers, favorite podcasters (Mel Robbins, Dan Harris, Stephen Bartlett, Julia Louis-Dreyfus), and author Bruce Feiler! It sounds strange, but these voices, these ideas, all conspired to inspire me.

What did I unearth? There was something which I strongly felt called to do, where I could utilize ALL my skills and experiences, truly help patients be healthier, while I – YES, ME! – could stay healthy. Better yet, I could actually BLOOM. The discovery was Transformative Nurse Coaching.

And this is where my next adventure begins…