Selfcare

Brain Dump

/ Marjorie / Leave a comment

I woke up this morning with what I call “The Overwhelm;” the feeling of being trapped under the snow after an avalanche. I can’t dig myself out. I’m struggling to breathe. I can’t seem to find a way out. Outside the sun is shining and the birds are singing, a sign that Spring is around the corner. Yet, I am on the Struggle Bus.

I know this is temporary. The beacon inside me says, “Keeping digging.”

There is no rescue team. I must rescue myself…

Digging

Last October, I was optimistic about my new job. At this point, I am questioning my decision about staying in OR nursing and working for a large institution. Whatever I thought I learned during my two and half month sabbatical between jobs, I have quickly forgot. The Overwhelm has a way of taking over sometimes and I never know when it will hit.

The new gig has been challenging and frustrating, so much that I actually considered calling my old manager to see if I could do an agency stint down there. I left my last job because I no longer wanted to live in that city. I left because I didn’t want to see the parade of gun violence victims brought into our OR. Do I really want to go back to that even on a part time basis? I don’t know…

“Don’t it always seem to go, you don’t know what you’ve got ’til it’s gone.” ~ Joni Mitchell

I miss the relationships I had with people – my fellow staff members, physicians, ancillary staff, the trust that was built through difficult times. I miss having a supervisor who rolled up her sleeves and helped the people she led. I miss having a supervisor that encouraged my creativity and appreciated my contributions to the department. I miss having charge nurses that were on the same mission as the staff – not to just keep the schedule moving, but to put the right staff in the right rooms. I miss the resources we had that helped us focus on patient care: the equipment guys, the sterile processing runners, the supply chain techs that would fill our supply lockers in the rooms. I miss the layout of my last OR which was open and helped facilitate a relationship with the Command Center. After all, the people in charge should know the staff and their skills.

Reality

Yes, I’m mourning the Past and I am trying to accept my Present. BUT WHAT ABOUT MY FUTURE? I don’t believe that I need to accept my current situation as my future. I am actively searching and meditating on what is next for me. I don’t think it involves OR nursing. I don’t think it even involves nursing. After all the hard work I put into getting my nursing degree, the blood, sweat, and tears I poured into every OR nursing job I have ever had, I am ready to give this all up for a little less sorrow and a little more joy.

The Year 2023 has already been a hard one and it’s only the beginning of March. The Universe slapped me in the face with the deaths of three strong women – my aunt, my friend, and my partner’s mom. A question emerged from the heartbreak, “What do you want for YOUR LIFE?”

Search

I am looking for the courage to face what is and what could be. I know there is no easy way out. But what is harder is staying in a joyless situation. I have more questions than answers.

Has healthcare changed so much that I won’t be able to find happiness in my work? Or is it me? Have I been changed by what I have witnessed over 17 years of OR nursing that the passion and fire I once had is beyond revival? Is it selfish for me to want to take care of myself and relinquish the honor of taking care of patients? Do I still love nursing enough to find another role outside of a OR staff job? What has enabled long-time nurses to stay in this line of work for as long as they have? Do I really need to leave the OR, nursing in general, or do I just need a therapist?

Beyond

Sometimes work takes over my life. I have to remind myself about the things that bring me joy on the outside: my partner, my dog, my family and friends.

Why do I always forget about this? Why is my identity so tied to my work?

I am exploring a new venture: starting my own business. This is separate from me being an investor in my significant other’s business. This will actually be MINE. Well, technically “OURS” – my business partner (another nurse friend), and me. I am starting work on the business plan today. It’s going to be a secret for a while until we are, God-willing, ready and able to launch.

I need to stay in this job for now. I need to find a way to fend off The Overwhelm. I want more joy in my life. And I know that I need my family and friends more than ever.

The good news is they have always been there. I just have to ask for help.

Help!

Starting Over

/ Marjorie / Leave a comment

New city. New job. New life.

We did it. My partner P and I finally left Chicago and headed north to Wisconsin. It was bittersweet leaving the town I have loved all my life. So many great memories, yet that city is unrecognizable to me.

Is this what old people say?

I guess I am older now, but those memories feel like they were just a moment ago. Riding my bike along the lakefront path… Cruising down Lake Shore Drive… Playing touch football, beach volleyball, and floor hockey with the Chicago Sport and Social Club… Bars, music, dancing… All the activities of my youth! Then later, fine dining and culture… It all felt safe.

But then things got worse – the violence and cost of living… What the hell, Chicago???

I don’t know when the wheels started falling off. With the exception of my first year as an OR nurse, I have been an OR nurse at a Level I Trauma Center for 16 years. Trauma call was bad, but then it got WORSE. (Or maybe the PTSD was rearing its ugly head? The jury is still out on this one…) My last hospital was THE PLACE where ambulances brought victims of gun violence, stabbings, and motor vehicle accidents. In the last year especially it seemed like every day my department saw something catastrophic.

The decision to move was not made overnight. It fermented for months. How could we leave family and friends? And then we just could not take it anymore. For the sake of our mental health and our relationship, it was time to do it. Besides, we weren’t going far away and we had family and friends in Wisconsin.

One of the hardest things to do was resign from my job. It wasn’t perfect – no hospital is… But in the grand scheme of things, it was one of the best places I have ever worked. I felt respected, even loved, by my colleagues and friends. I was in my comfy, cozy, comfort zone. Deep down, I knew it was time for a change, a new challenge.

Hello, Wisco…

I asked the Universe for a challenge and I got one. Moving was stressful. Every day for the first month we discovered something that needed to be fixed in our rental home. My Wisconsin license was pending with no word of any progress. I had applied well in advance of the move. The plan was to take one month off between jobs. One month turned into two, which then turned into two and a half. It took a little political help to push it along. But I needed the break. Desperately. I’m still processing everything that bubbled up during my sabbatical. More on that topic later…

Getting an operating room nursing job was easy with 17 years of experience, including scrubbing, circulating, management, and exposure to all the surgical specialties, especially trauma. The hurdle I am facing now is orienting to a huge hospital with different processes, surgeons, staff, and all the personalities that come with that… Ah, the weirdness of an OR!!!

I’m three weeks into the job and so far so good (at least in my eyes). OR nurses are Type A, each in their own way. For me, I want to know everything about everything NOW. Enthusiasm is good, but I need to stop myself.

Slow your roll, girlfriend…

One of my nurse preceptors could not believe that “at [my] age” I am making this change, as if I am running the gauntlet.

Ummmm… What???

My mind is still sharp. My body is still strong. Comfort zones can be a death sentence. Sometime somewhere in my life I became fearful of stagnation. Even if I get comfortable at my new hospital, I know that I will always be looking for opportunities to learn something new. I’m even looking into how to make my own YouTube videos. Totally not kidding… But that’s for another post!

So many things I’m still processing, still mulling over, still figuring out. This is good. It means that I’m not done yet. Ah, Life!!!

Return To ME

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For eight months, I have been silent. It’s not that I don’t want to write… When I am just about to pull out my laptop, something gets in my way. It’s my To Do List, the telephone, the need to tidy my surroundings before I do something that requires sitting. More accurately, I get in my way. The excuses are really my tendency to procrastinate. I know that this will be good for me – to write and get everything off my chest.

I am so much better than before. Truly. Seriously. I promise I am.

What has helped me over the last several months, is that I finally put myself first. I leveled up my meditating game and have been making breakthroughs thanks to Dan Harris and crew at Ten Percent Happier. I have been doing MORE – more yoga, more listening to music, more cooking, more sitting down and doing NOTHING. It was a struggle not to feel like I should be doing more and being more “productive.” Thankfully, I came to the realization that, even if I was doing “nothing,” that that was actually SOMETHING for me and my mental health.

Meanwhile, things at work are interesting. COVID brought on different challenges, but then we all got used to the way we had to live our lives (N95 masks, all the PPE, negative pressure rooms, etc.). In the last six months, came another change – the loss of staff to lucrative agency contracts. My former co-workers have not been traveling out of state, just staying local. In fact, it feels like all the big hospitals in the city have just exchanged staff. We have been lucky to get some talented nurses who are very nice and fun to work with. Agency work isn’t for everyone, so we have added new staff as well. As a result, I have been teaching – A LOT. I actually enjoy it, but it doesn’t hurt that we get extra pay for precepting.

Watching my friends leave to pursue agency contracts has been hard. I completely understand why they are doing it, but still… It feels a little like breaking up.

Inevitably, I think that I will be going the agency route too. My boyfriend and I have been talking about moving to another state, so for now, I am putting agency opportunities on hold. Thoughts about leaving my current job make me sad, but things have changed so much that one way or another, it will never been what it once was.

Yes, change is inevitable. I have to accept this and be willing to let go of my comfort zone. The way I choose to look at the state of nursing and the uptick in agency staff is that I am increasing my network of nurse friends. Operating Room Nursing is such a small world. There aren’t many of us out there, so it stands to reason that I will eventually work with my friends again! And I’m good with that.

With all the changes in my personal life, professional life, and the world in general, it feels like I found my center and ready to ride whatever wave comes next.

Healing

/ Marjorie / Leave a comment

Since my last post, I have been on a search to find healing in this crazy messed up world. I knew I needed help when I found it difficult to talk about the trauma without my eyes welling up with tears. It was then that I decided to open myself up to different ways to recover from all the terrible things that I see on the job.

I started meditating and practicing yoga. I also started planning more gatherings with family and friends. Improvements in diet and sleep have helped, although this is more challenging to do. If I focus on why I am doing this, it becomes an easier task. Baby steps…

Months later I am not completely “fixed”, but it’s not like I will ever be. Life is messy. I have acknowledged this fact for a long time, but yet it is still a difficult pill to swallow. Our experiences make a lifelong impact. The only thing I can control is how I choose to handle it.

So here I am. Still trying to balance work life and personal life. The messiness continues. At work the traumas keep coming in and so do the really sick people. At home, I am supporting my significant other as he tries to find his way in a new industry at a startup company. In the last week, my dad just had open heart surgery. He is doing great, but it’s a long road to recovery. On top of this, my aunt is in kidney failure and is receiving hospice care. And now, one of my childhood friends is facing the fact that her mom might not survive after a bad fall.

It’s a lot. But I know things could be worse.

I could drown in negative thoughts, but what always brings me back to the surface is gratitude. The first thing that comes to mind is how lucky I am to have so much love in my life. I truly mean this. When shit is hitting the fan, the reinforcements appear – my family and friends! Even though I am so independent, they allow me….no, they remind me….to lean on them. I don’t have to hold back tears, force a cheerful hello, or hide my feelings. How lucky can one person be?

My experiences over the last year have reminded me that healing is an ongoing job. I am reminded by something an old boss said to me when I was feeling overwhelmed:

“How do you eat an elephant?

One bite at a time.”

Bon appétit!!!

Timeout

/ Marjorie / Leave a comment

In surgery we do something known as a “timeout.”  We verify identity of the patient, the procedure that will be performed (and later, has been performed), and all pertinent information. This occurs three times while a patient is under our care in the operating room.  It happens when the patient enters the room (a “sign in”), before incision (“pre-incision”), and at the end of the procedure (“debrief”).  It allows the surgical team to ensure a patient’s safety as well as review any issues that might have been encountered.

At the end of my work day and my work week, I do my own timeout.  It helps me answer these questions:

  • What challenged me today/this week?
  • How did I handle it?
  • What did I learn about myself?
  • What did I learn about others?
  • How can I improve?

Maybe this sounds too touchy feely or too deep, but I honestly love my job.  When I stop taking it seriously, it’s time for me to find something new.  Taking care of my patients is a big deal to me and I just want to be the best that I can be.

Asking myself these questions also allows me to take better care of me.  It prevents the onset of nurse burnout.  One of my fears is that I go back to the person I was in my last job as an assistant nurse manager in surgery at a busy Level I Trauma Center.  The stress from that role made me a different person.  The job wasn’t fun and neither was I.  My family and friends can attest to that!  When a friend bluntly told me that she “will pull [my] hair out if [I took] another management job,” I knew it was bad.  I didn’t realize the extent until I left to go back to being a staff nurse.  What a difference!  I show up, work hard, and then at the end of the day I go home and can leave the work at work.

But anyway…

In my Personal Timeout, items tend to fall in these categories:

  • Moments That Made Me Laugh
  • Times When I Wanted To Quit
  • Reminders of Why I Do This Crazy Job

Today is the end of my work week.  I worked four ten-hour shifts and it’s time to call it DONE.  So here is my Debrief…

Moments That Made Me Laugh

  • My ornery nurse friend who would not take crap from a resident when he tried to do things his way versus the way the attending surgeon usually does it.  Sometimes you have to remind them that they are not the attending!
  • The CRNA who sang along to a Spotify Throwback Thursday playlist and didn’t realize she was doing it until the surgeon mentioned it.  He was entertained and she was embarrassed!
  • A coworker who announced that she is trying to be more positive by forcing an unconvincing smile.  It looked painful…  We told her to “just do you.”  No point in looking constipated!
  • The 80 year-old woman who was trying to get up on the operating room table while waking up from anesthesia.  She told a resident to “shut up” several times as he was trying to calm her down.  Feisty little lady!

Times When I Wanted To Quit

  • The combination of having a new employee to teach, a surgeon who was in a hurry, and an annoying sales rep made my head pound.

Reminder of Why I do This Crazy Job

  • My patients and their families and their appreciation of my care
  • Being able to share knowledge AND learn from my colleagues
  • Working with people who know the meaning of TEAM

 

I really do love being an Operating Room Nurse.  It is hard to think about finding satisfaction in doing something else.  At this point, I am not actively searching for a new position.  Surgical nursing is a very physical job and I know that I need to figure out where I want to be in the future.  Hopefully, I can figure that out before my body starts protesting!