Return To ME

For eight months, I have been silent. It’s not that I don’t want to write… When I am just about to pull out my laptop, something gets in my way. It’s my To Do List, the telephone, the need to tidy my surroundings before I do something that requires sitting. More accurately, I get in my way. The excuses are really my tendency to procrastinate. I know that this will be good for me – to write and get everything off my chest.

I am so much better than before. Truly. Seriously. I promise I am.

What has helped me over the last several months, is that I finally put myself first. I leveled up my meditating game and have been making breakthroughs thanks to Dan Harris and crew at Ten Percent Happier. I have been doing MORE – more yoga, more listening to music, more cooking, more sitting down and doing NOTHING. It was a struggle not to feel like I should be doing more and being more “productive.” Thankfully, I came to the realization that, even if I was doing “nothing,” that that was actually SOMETHING for me and my mental health.

Meanwhile, things at work are interesting. COVID brought on different challenges, but then we all got used to the way we had to live our lives (N95 masks, all the PPE, negative pressure rooms, etc.). In the last six months, came another change – the loss of staff to lucrative agency contracts. My former co-workers have not been traveling out of state, just staying local. In fact, it feels like all the big hospitals in the city have just exchanged staff. We have been lucky to get some talented nurses who are very nice and fun to work with. Agency work isn’t for everyone, so we have added new staff as well. As a result, I have been teaching – A LOT. I actually enjoy it, but it doesn’t hurt that we get extra pay for precepting.

Watching my friends leave to pursue agency contracts has been hard. I completely understand why they are doing it, but still… It feels a little like breaking up.

Inevitably, I think that I will be going the agency route too. My boyfriend and I have been talking about moving to another state, so for now, I am putting agency opportunities on hold. Thoughts about leaving my current job make me sad, but things have changed so much that one way or another, it will never been what it once was.

Yes, change is inevitable. I have to accept this and be willing to let go of my comfort zone. The way I choose to look at the state of nursing and the uptick in agency staff is that I am increasing my network of nurse friends. Operating Room Nursing is such a small world. There aren’t many of us out there, so it stands to reason that I will eventually work with my friends again! And I’m good with that.

With all the changes in my personal life, professional life, and the world in general, it feels like I found my center and ready to ride whatever wave comes next.

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