yoga

Intentional Exit

/ Marjorie / Leave a comment

I did it.

I quit my job.

I have been talking about doing something other than OR nursing for years and I finally decided there is no perfect time like the present.

In that OR job, every day was a grind. I tried to make the best of it by smiling through the day, cracking jokes with co-workers, and convincing myself that all the bullshit was worth it for my patients. But I am NOT a martyr. The job I had was not challenging in the ways I had hoped. It was an easy job in the sense that I knew what I was doing, but the Feng Shui or the flow of this department was completely off making life more difficult than necessary. Everything about that place was harder than it should be, from finding instruments to transporting my patients to the PACU. I knew it the moment I walked in, but ignored my better judgment. I was just looking for stability since I had just moved into town.

I quit without having another job lined up. My partner was frustrated seeing me come home in such a frazzled and anxious condition night after night. It was starting to take a toll on our relationship. He said, “We’re fine, just do it.” His support provided me the comfort that I could say goodbye to this job and survive.

“Where are you going?” asked my co-workers.

I replied, “Nowhere.”

The response was usually a look of confusion, then understanding. “I don’t blame you,” they said.

I know that most people can’t quit a job without having another one lined up. Honestly, I am lucky to have a partner that supports me, money in the bank, plus skills that could get me a job anywhere. I just have to decide on what I want to do. Start my own business? Maybe. Work for a friend’s PR agency? Maybe. Travel Nursing? Not unless I’m desperate.

Two months have passed since my last day at the hospital. I have been taking time to debrief and heal myself. It sounds easy, but it really isn’t for a person who is so used to moving all day. I literally have to force myself to sit still. I’m getting better at it. Seems comical, doesn’t it? You should try it.

As I work through the years of trauma and tension in my body, I am also doing things that I have put off because of my work-life imbalance. Finally, I’m working on house projects I have put off, creative endeavors I haven’t had time for, and reconnecting with the side of me that has been neglected.

My partner and I also traveled abroad last October for two weeks. We drove from Paris to Lyon to Barcelona to Bordeaux and back to Paris, stopping at small towns along the way. I had never been outside of Paris nor had I been to Spain. I had never driven a car in Europe! What an adventure! It was the perfect way for the two of us to strengthen our bond with each other and connect with the world. Much of it was unplanned, giving me a taste for what’s ahead. I had to become comfortable with being uncomfortable, a skill I much needed to resurrect for my next chapter. We met so many kind and wonderful people! Honestly, the only reason I wanted to come home was because I missed my dog. She would have loved France!

Since my return, I have been determined to get my health and wellness on track. I’m taking baby steps starting with going for daily walks around the neighborhood with my dog, taking her to the beach and parks, reaping the benefits of all the nature here in Wisconsin. I’ve recently returned to my yoga practice. I had no idea how much I missed it until I started back up. The creaks and squeaks coming from my body tells me how much I have neglected her. Recently, I read that we store a lot of trauma in our body. I’m hoping that yoga will help me release what my body has held for years.

Another discovery (or should I say re-discovery) is my love for reading. My theory is that my mind was so overloaded that I could not take in one more bit of information, fact or fiction, especially when it did not pertain directly to being able to do my job. The thing about OR Nursing is that there is no shortage of things you need to, or want to, learn. I was one of the people who loved to learn something new if it meant that it would make me a better nurse, a safer caregiver, and a good mentor. While this is a positive characteristic, it also left me with little energy for anything other than OR nursing. This is my own fault. I know I let that happen. It DOESN’T have to be this way. I just never figured out how to balance my time.

This break, this time I have to myself, I know it is a luxury. Not everyone can afford to do it. I really wish they could because I am finally starting to feel like “me” again. Just typing that statement makes me cry. I am so grateful.

Until next time, Dear Readers… Be well.

Return To ME

/ Marjorie / Leave a comment

For eight months, I have been silent. It’s not that I don’t want to write… When I am just about to pull out my laptop, something gets in my way. It’s my To Do List, the telephone, the need to tidy my surroundings before I do something that requires sitting. More accurately, I get in my way. The excuses are really my tendency to procrastinate. I know that this will be good for me – to write and get everything off my chest.

I am so much better than before. Truly. Seriously. I promise I am.

What has helped me over the last several months, is that I finally put myself first. I leveled up my meditating game and have been making breakthroughs thanks to Dan Harris and crew at Ten Percent Happier. I have been doing MORE – more yoga, more listening to music, more cooking, more sitting down and doing NOTHING. It was a struggle not to feel like I should be doing more and being more “productive.” Thankfully, I came to the realization that, even if I was doing “nothing,” that that was actually SOMETHING for me and my mental health.

Meanwhile, things at work are interesting. COVID brought on different challenges, but then we all got used to the way we had to live our lives (N95 masks, all the PPE, negative pressure rooms, etc.). In the last six months, came another change – the loss of staff to lucrative agency contracts. My former co-workers have not been traveling out of state, just staying local. In fact, it feels like all the big hospitals in the city have just exchanged staff. We have been lucky to get some talented nurses who are very nice and fun to work with. Agency work isn’t for everyone, so we have added new staff as well. As a result, I have been teaching – A LOT. I actually enjoy it, but it doesn’t hurt that we get extra pay for precepting.

Watching my friends leave to pursue agency contracts has been hard. I completely understand why they are doing it, but still… It feels a little like breaking up.

Inevitably, I think that I will be going the agency route too. My boyfriend and I have been talking about moving to another state, so for now, I am putting agency opportunities on hold. Thoughts about leaving my current job make me sad, but things have changed so much that one way or another, it will never been what it once was.

Yes, change is inevitable. I have to accept this and be willing to let go of my comfort zone. The way I choose to look at the state of nursing and the uptick in agency staff is that I am increasing my network of nurse friends. Operating Room Nursing is such a small world. There aren’t many of us out there, so it stands to reason that I will eventually work with my friends again! And I’m good with that.

With all the changes in my personal life, professional life, and the world in general, it feels like I found my center and ready to ride whatever wave comes next.

Healing

/ Marjorie / Leave a comment

Since my last post, I have been on a search to find healing in this crazy messed up world. I knew I needed help when I found it difficult to talk about the trauma without my eyes welling up with tears. It was then that I decided to open myself up to different ways to recover from all the terrible things that I see on the job.

I started meditating and practicing yoga. I also started planning more gatherings with family and friends. Improvements in diet and sleep have helped, although this is more challenging to do. If I focus on why I am doing this, it becomes an easier task. Baby steps…

Months later I am not completely “fixed”, but it’s not like I will ever be. Life is messy. I have acknowledged this fact for a long time, but yet it is still a difficult pill to swallow. Our experiences make a lifelong impact. The only thing I can control is how I choose to handle it.

So here I am. Still trying to balance work life and personal life. The messiness continues. At work the traumas keep coming in and so do the really sick people. At home, I am supporting my significant other as he tries to find his way in a new industry at a startup company. In the last week, my dad just had open heart surgery. He is doing great, but it’s a long road to recovery. On top of this, my aunt is in kidney failure and is receiving hospice care. And now, one of my childhood friends is facing the fact that her mom might not survive after a bad fall.

It’s a lot. But I know things could be worse.

I could drown in negative thoughts, but what always brings me back to the surface is gratitude. The first thing that comes to mind is how lucky I am to have so much love in my life. I truly mean this. When shit is hitting the fan, the reinforcements appear – my family and friends! Even though I am so independent, they allow me….no, they remind me….to lean on them. I don’t have to hold back tears, force a cheerful hello, or hide my feelings. How lucky can one person be?

My experiences over the last year have reminded me that healing is an ongoing job. I am reminded by something an old boss said to me when I was feeling overwhelmed:

“How do you eat an elephant?

One bite at a time.”

Bon appétit!!!